Dear Seeker of Success,
One of the most exhausted (I won’t even say tired – I’ll say dead BEAT) cliches out there is “Nice guys finish last.”
A similar one, which really emphasizes the whole idea of beat, is “Nice guys finish in their hand.”
As a result, many guys end up blowing it by swinging the pendulum way too far in the opposite direction. In their attempts to be dominant with women (one of the 4 main vibes), they’ll actually come off as pushy, arrogant jerks.
Yet, oftentimes they say, some women like jerks. Usually “they” say this in desper-ation, exasper-ation, and other -ations that usually end in masturb-ation. Notice when you spell it like that, masturb-ation, how disturbing it is? Disturb vs. masturb. Too similar. This phonetic similarly freaks me out.
As in, “She’s always falling for these guys who break her heart and treat her like crap, yet she won’t give me the time of day! I know how to treat a woman, I’m so much better than those losers!”
(Losers, you say? They’re banging her and you’re not.)
Why Being Either “Dominant” Or A “Nice Guy”
Beats Down Your Girl-Getting Game
Let’s focus, for the sake of this discussion, on defining “dominant” as “commanding.”
A person can be commanding in their self-awareness and presence without saying a word. It just depends, and it isn’t one or the other. You can be commanding AND fun/friendly. You can be commanding silently. You can inquire about another person/show understanding and be commanding in the way you do it. Etc. etc.
I would advise that you not only think of it as only being a SEQUENTIAL thing, one after the other, but still separate. True, sometimes it works that way. But it can also be about these various forms of “commanding” being mixed, presented simultaneously.
As I said, many guys put WAY too much emphasis on being dominant and go overboard to appear “commanding.” When this happens, usually it’s done from fear of losing control. Ultimately, that’s another form of supplication and neediness. In other words, by going out of your way to NOT be an Average Frustrated Chump (AFC), you actually become one of the most unbearable forms of this very creature.
I’m going to have more on this and related topics over the next few days.
Peace,
RJ
P.S. When you properly exude the right mixture of being dominant, intriguing, and inviting, even when you are becoming commanding, it will seem like you are having an innocent, normal conversation!
That beats just about everything, including a poke in the eye.
Click here for even more command over your girl-getting game.
Very important observation. I’ve been evening out this pendulum myself lately. Hell, I think a lot of it is just having more going on in your life and being “interested in the girl, invested in the skills.” One of those skills is leading a balanced life and when you’re not getting any for the moment, fuck it, find something else to enjoy.
I think this is a thing that a lot of guys get wrong because they don’t see attraction as a balancing game. At one point I too went from “nice guy” to “douchebag.” Oddly, it did give me some cheap success, but it will turn into same shit different pile (alienation, lack of social prowess).
Keep up the good work Ross. You have been teaching this stuff longer than I have been alive, but I’ve actually been following your work on-and-off since The Game (although I followed your newsletter before I even heard of Neil Strauss).
You’re a true legend. Don’t ever stop sharing your wisdom. Also wanted to ask you: have you done any retreats with Shinzen Young lately?
@Steven
No, I have not done any retreats with Shinzen lately, but I do meditate regularly.
RJ
I am a married guy who is trying to sort the beta mess I have created with my wife, giving in to her every whim and fancy to appease her emotional cr&p. While trying to sort it out, I think I have been overcompensating by being too domineering and commanding. I have recently been doing things in a more sort of “I will do as I will do, and I am indifferent to your emotional sh%t because it has no effect whatsoever, I will take on board what you have to say, but only if I think its valid and for no other reason” attitude.
It is difficult to adapt to this whole change, because just like learning to ride a bicycle, or any other skill, it takes time. But it does seem to be working.
I am learning a lot from your e-mails. Thank You Very Much Ross.
Cool stuff, but i don´t see anywhere a practical tool on HOW to integrate these tunes together. any ideas?
There’s a difference between “Nice” and “Good”. People are generally “Nice” when they want something. A “Nice guy” will hold the door for a woman; a Good man will hold it for anyone. “Nice guys” have a lot of difficulty telling a woman “No”, whereas a Good man can and will when it’s warranted. You can be Good but at the same time bold, decisive, etc.
(The root of the Spanish word ‘macho’ actually combines all the good masculine qualities women look for in men.)
@KK,
Great distinction!
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