Dear Speed Seduction® Student,
Another aspect of showing up attractive is learning to develop a good relationship to uncertainty, anxiety, and not knowing what the fuck is going to happen.
Many guys come to me wanting “confidence” with women. But what they are really saying is they want what I call “performance confidence”.
What is “performance confidence”? That’s easy to explain.
If you’ve done something very well 5,000 times, it is reasonable to expect you will do well on the 5,001st attempt.
The challenge for many guys in this game is that they want the performance confidence, PRIOR to doing any performing.
So they wind up never performing, never being confident and never getting any real world skill.
Or any moist pink relief either.
Love Your Anxiety As You Love Yourself, And Soon You Will Be Loving Your Neighbor’s Wife Too!
The solution I’ve found that works best is to reshape a student’s definition of “confidence” into what I will define here as “acceptance confidence”.
Acceptance confidence has the following components:
1. The skill of being present with the raw, physical sensations of anxiety, without fighting them, resisting them or trying to make them change or go away, but also and equally without feeding them by telling yourself that your anxious feelings mean you are going to fail or it is time to run away. Don’t feed, don’t fight AND don’t flee!
(Let me just add that very few humans can be present with raw physical sensations like this. It takes training and practice. But it opens up some wonderful choices in life that few people will ever experience and that alone makes you very, very attractive on some interesting and non-verbal levels. More about this later)
2. The skill of deciding what you are going to do, once you experience the anxiety, without fighting or feeding or fleeing. It basically comes down to a simple acknowledgment of what is going on and then a choice . As in, “I don’t know what is going to happen with this girl, I don’t like that I don’t know, and let’s go talk to her, have some fun, and find out what she is like!”
3. A deep realization about the meaning and information content of “anxiety”. Your experience of internal anxiety has zero information value about what will happen with that girl you’d like to meet. It is not a sign you are about to fail or be humiliated in the world. It has no information value about anything happening outside of your own skin. It is only a sign of an internal neurological event.
4. Finally, taking on some powerful beliefs and attitudes about learning. Since I’m such an awesome teacher, here are the main ones:
A. I will either enjoy getting what I want, or enjoying learning what I need to get what I want or better.
B. I can, will and do decide what I learn from each and every event, choice, action and situation.
C. When I don’t know what to do, I take a bold step forward.
D. When I don’t know what to do, I make the choice and take the action that moves me even closer to the kind of person I am already more and more becoming
Once a student has mastered, in action, the essentials of acceptance confidence, then and only then is he ready to take on rehearsal confidence, another key component of showing up attractive. And I’ll probably talk about that in the next post.
Your comments and feedback are essential to this series continuing. So please post them below!
Peace and piece,
RJ
P.S. If enjoying damn near ridiculous levels of success, satisfaction and pleasure with the most amazing women around is something you are highly interested in, then clicking here could be one of the best things you’ve ever done. You owe it to yourself to check it out.
Hey Ross. I have almost all of your products now. I am currently going through hyper responsive, haven’t yet played frame control,. but will soon. thanks to your advice and teachings, my meditation practice now has discipline and structure. & I’ve been meditating for over 16 years. I’m at the point now where I can feel your genuine intent for thorough teaching! and I support and applaud you. I will attend a live seminar in the near future. your work is noting less than amazing and I know the future holds more genius. coming from a fellow genius. 😉
@The Great Roberto Thanks so much for that; it makes me happy to see that you are using what I am teaching, especially with your meditation practice now having discipline and structure.
Oftentimes it may seem like your practice isn’t doing anything. You sit for half an hour or more and all you feel is that pain in your foot. But over time that willingness to be present and attentive and allowing with what IS will begin to spread subtly into other areas of your life, without you even trying.
Finally, I give full and complete credit to my teacher of teacher’s, Shinzen Young. Everything I am teaching about meditation arises from what he has taught. You can find his work here and I can’t recommend him highly enough.
Thanks Ross !
Today’s post was actually quite eye-opening to me. Trying to avoid or eliminate anxiety ( as some other guru’s are preaching ) is not the most best way to results-bringing solutions. Maybe anxiety works on your side if you know how to deal with it properly. I lately listened to one of your collegues and he suggested that in the past he was trying to be relaxed and healthy in all situations at all costs but soon he realized that it just won’t work.
greetings,
Seismic
When I don’t know what to do, I make the choice and take the action that moves me even closer to the kind of person I am already more and more becoming.
That’s really kicks a great deal of big asses.
Keep going Ross.
Hi Ross.
Dynamite stuff. I found a great belief that helped me with acceptance confidence: ‘I let her have whatever responses to me she’s going to have, without trying to control her.’ I felt old beliefs and their energy just drop away after i installed this. It really helped me get out of the I-know-but-i-don’t-do phase.
Looking forward to part III
AJ
Meta Meta Meta….pretty cool.
“I give women what they’ve always wanted.”
Ross, Acceptance confidence is a life changer…I’ve really been working on this lately. Two nights ago, I made eye contact with a smoking hot natural blonde…she’s 25 and a 9.0 and I’m 47 overweight and bald. I didn’t want to get up from my seat and approach her because there was no room near her…crowded bar…there was an empty seat near me and so I smiled at her, made eye contact and pointed her to the seat next to me with my head. She almost instantly got up walked over and sat down…she opened with…”any man confident enough to summon me over with only his eyes and a head toss has to be interestsint to talk to”. We talked about an hour that night and then got together last night and she spent the night riding my cape canaveral shuttle. Just wondering what woiuld happen if I tried that and then accepting the discomfort of not knowing and going for it just for fun was a huge attractant to her. Thanks for teaching us how to have acceptance confidence
I wonder about thinking it’s necessary to be in some hyper-confident state to make progress. I wanted to talk to a girl yesterday and there was no way I was going to be in what I imagine is a real attractive state, but it was such a good opportunity, I did talk to her for a minute. It’s funny because she looked at me like, “What the F%#@ do YOU want?” and that somehow relaxed me a little. I guess SHE was pacing MY state.
Hi Ross!
How do you decide if it’s anxiety and not any other emotion like fear or excitation?
Weren’t emotions invented by nature to guide people by providing a clue on what to do? If i go near a cliff, i feel fear for a reason. It wouldn’t make much sense to just accept the fear and continue, would it?
Anyway, thanks for the article, it was an interesting and challenging read 🙂 even though i cannot agree with you yet.
True! And like you say, Ross, the idea of ‘acceptance confidence’ is so useful and applicable to other challenges in life as well. That is part of what makes mastering this so rewarding.
Ross, just today I was reading an interview in a magazine with Jeff Koons – you might know him, he is the only modern artist I ever went to a museum for. They asked what his biggest wish in life was, and he said:
“The brual realism of doing what you always wanted to do: the only thing that keep you from doing is anxiety. In my belief the way to remove this anxiety, is to accept it.”
I thought it was an interesting synchronicity.
@Alrick Never heard of him, but he’s right.
triple A+ rating for this one. Anxiety (worry) about not being prepared is a killer. People are so much more likeable when their thoughts are transparent.
Shinzen would be proud of you I assume. If one really sticks to what you are saying one actually is on the path of enlightenment already. And that`s what I like about your approach Ross. It`s more like an all life changing to the better approach than just getting a random bitch into bed thing. And it`s great to see how you get people thinking about it. I guess teaching the wisdom of Zen via connecting it to the aim of having fun with girls is like bitter medicine put on a sugar cube. The medicine lastly will help you but without the sugar it sometimes is really hard to take. The sugar though makes it attractive even for those kind of “kids” that would never ever even have thought of taking the medicine alltogether. Keep it up Ross!
Ross, what you’ve said here reminds me of a quote from Dune: “The mind can go either direction under stress–toward
positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes
are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive
end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by
training.”
I find it exhilarating when a woman throws crap at me, expecting it to increase my anxiety, and I just smile knowingly 🙂 Usually, it confuses the crap out of them 🙂
Whenever I do feel like anxiety might overwhelm me, I think back to the immortal words “for pure will, unassauged by purpose, and delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect”, and the anxiety turns into a mild amusement 🙂
For the record, I’m fat, and my grandma fucked me up when I was kid by repeating “You gotta lose weight, no girl is ever gonna like you like this” – a wonderful self-fulfilling prophecy that lasted until I was 25. Until a girl saw through that crap, bedded me, and destroyed my wonderfully crafted illusion 🙂 Thankfully, I was well versed in Jung and magick, that I knew how to exploit that disillusionment. I have never used your stuff, but I do follow your blog, and I think that what you’re doing is effing awesome. I can understand why guys sometimes have a hard time believing what you say – they have no experience on which to base/compare the new information. I was the same way until I was 25 🙂 All I can say to those that doubt is: try it. What’ve you got to lose? 🙂
Somebody would like to add ”Its your planet earth too!” just go and have fun:)
Ross,
I honestly have problems with the second believe. how can I decide what will I learn if I don’t know what is going to happen? but in spite of that I’m having progress sarging. I’ve used patterns two weeks ago after years stucked. And I am starting to undertand this stuff of dealing with anxiety. Thanks for your job! thaks for sharing your sistem!
Brazilian
“internal anxiety”. Well I think that you should be prepared that your feelings are not always that internal. It may leak out in a number ways, you heartbeat may become visible, you breathing may change, or you may flush. Also your speak may very easy be affected in some way (fast, slow, silent, shaky, or the words you use or the subject you use choose). The people around you may notice that, and may or may not have a reaction to it. They may mirror it (remember they could be feeling anxiety too), laugh or she may just look a little too long at your hand. – You cannot just ignore her reactions to you. E.g. If she says “OMG your hands are shaking” you will of cause have an answer ready. And it will be an aswer that demontrate your acceptance of this whole situation.
Also notice: If you have strong desire to suppress you anxiety, she will in fact point out your failure, with any reaction she might have.
@tentacle – Yes emotion are usually a very good guide in what to do. Unfortunately our system can be programmed in a way that is not in our advantage. One of the bigger challences in overcomming a social phobia (compared to e.g. a snake phobia) is that you will still have to make good decisions, otherwise you may get into real trouble (like not getting what you want 🙂 Think of it as a noise entering your system: You will have to learn to pickup the right go/nogo signal even in this case.
I think that what you say here is true for learning anything new,not just meeting girls.
If you want to switch carrears, because you hate youre job, anxiety starts because you dont know what to do, youve never done it before.
If you want to open a bussiness doing something you love, again you face anxiety and most peopole avoid opening a business because of that reason.
It’s also true of learning any skill, if you divorce and for the first time in youre life you have to learn to cook for yourself, again you feel anxiety doing this new thing youve never done before.
To finish the argument I will point out that learning to fish, which is a very relaxing activity, you just sit there and cast youre line and wait, can be very stressfull the first time youre doing it.
“What am I doing?? I’ll make an idiot of myself, ill hurt myself it wont work AAAaaaHHH!!!!”
And it really comes to youre frame of mind.
You can have a negative or panicky frame of mind or the one you suggested.
I think im going to use this in all aspects of my life, Thanks.:)