Dear Seeker of Success,
These days, every marriage has about a 50% chance of ending in divorce.
Oftentimes this because one (or both) of the partners “settled” rather than claiming the results they deserved and getting with the person they really wanted to be with.
Another of the leading causes of divorce is infidelity, where one partner cheats on the other.
And that’s within the bounds of sacred legal matrimony, with both Church and State involved. So it gets even worse when you consider how often people cheat on their partners in relationships (or real-hate-shun-ships by default).
When a smart man, who otherwise has life handled and everything going his way, finds out his woman cheated on him with someone else, it’s devastating. Aside from it being just wrong of her to do that, consider the impact on the man’s ego.
It’s like taking a giant lance and shoving it through a tiny balloon in terms of how badly it can rip him apart inside.
The questions arise: “What, I’m not good enough to please her?” “Am I good enough for any woman?” “What’s he got that I don’t? Sure there’s a reason she stiffed me for him!” “She’s the best I’ve ever had, I’ll never do any better, and look what she did to me? I give up!” “Will the next woman cheat on me, too?” “Why bother?”
And The Wet Sack-Cloth Of Angst Continues To Weight Him Down…
Not only does the cheating impact (as in ruin) the current relationship, but think what impact it could have on the man’s future interactions with women…
Say he meets a new woman, things go great, and they end up in a relationship. She’s awesome in bed and compatible with him in pretty much every way – she’s that “lady in the streets / freak in the sheets” every guy wants to introduce to his mother AND take on a wild ride on the Baloney Poney.
But….now he finds himself fearing he’s becoming too emotionally invested, which would open him up to being hurt again.
Since last time he got emotionally involved, his girlfriend cheated on him, now he’s wondering how he can protect himself from being too vulnerable – yet still be able to enjoy the benefits of getting closer (meaning attached) to someone.
It Isn’t Just About Attachment. It’s About Entanglement.
Along with the good feelings he has with the current woman, he also has the entanglement of what happened in the past. His legitimate desire to be safe when entering a new relationship is now all tangled up with fear-tainted grasping and need. “What if SHE cheats on me too? I don’t know if I have it in me to deal with AGAIN!”
It’s a fact of life: eventually, on some level, everyone loses someone they love. BUT on another level, things don’t end.
And remember this, too: if you hadn’t found out that woman from before was cheating on you, it’s possible you might still be with her – in the dark in many ways – missing out on more eligible (not to mention HOTTER) women NOW.
Are you going to let that woman who cheated on you in the past CONTINUE to hurt you by interfering with your CURRENT relationships with women?
She probably doesn’t think about you much at all, yet you’re going to let memories of her PAST insolence override the very real chances to find juicy joy with women in the PRESENT day?
Peace,
RJ
P.S. This applies not only to situations where a woman from your past cheated on you, but ANY situation where you might be letting residue from a bad past real-hate-shun-ship entangle you and trip you up.
As you get untangled and move forward into the wet, pink expanse of available, eligible hot babes, you’ll need the GPS to guide you to the juiciest of them all.
Feh. If people just had the stones to admit they want (and in fact deserve) more than one relationship–and worked on their jealousy–cheating wouldn’t exist. Monogamy ruins more relationships than anything else. More people should explore polyamory…but Dr. Susan Block says Americans would rather cheat and lie, since it’s perceived as ‘more normal’.
Ross, you just described me to a “T”. Although I’ve been with many women since the bitch cheated on me…with my best friend…that I worked with and had to see on a daily basis, and couldn’t strangle the lifr out of, I never commit to the new girl and eventually she leaves. Oddly enough when this happens I feel….relief! I’ve escaped being hurt again and I can now concentrate on finding someone who is worth my time. The problem is, when does it stop? Any advice from the crew would be appeciated.
awesme advice ross like many others the same shit has happened to me aswell but i as i always believe in the power of rebounds 🙂 i was over her in no time. On the contrary how to deal with a girl who is still stuck on her ex but still comes and spends time with you has sex with you and love spending time with you any advice would be much appreciated thanks in advance
I’m a woman who reads your posts. I have to agree wholeheartedly with KK. Monogamy is not a natural human condition. It’s almost impossible to achieve. Look at the reality of the statistics, not the Hollywood dream.I’ve been married for 30 years, we’ve both strayed at different times, we’re still very much in love and together, we’re human!I think the choice is to be tolerant and understanding of one another through the years, or change partners every few years. The choice is yours.
Hey Ross,
good to see this recent article kind of apt for me at the moment.. I was cheated on but in the back of my mind as she said, I made her doit, I was neglecting her for the last 2 months.. we’ve wiped the slate clean so to speak.. She did it with a neighbour, i kicked them both out my front room, she invited him in just to chat and wasnt expecting my response. It turned out to be a self-prophesing act of jealousy… She left afterward to go and chat with him in his place.. with a bottle of rose. It turned out later he took advantage, and it was a 10 minute quickie.. I’m now just playing a long.. we’ll see. I told her if she does it again I’m off. She now hardly see’s anyone, cos she knows my feelings.. oh by the way shes an escort.. but the man involved did’nt pay.. he just payed with his ears.. “he listened to me that night” she said.. I’m still pretty cut up about it tbh.. But you should see her when shes drunk. What was it it Regardie once said, something along the lines of “we’re all monkeys down here”.
I was married for a long time, the marriage was a constant battle with a woman who always looked for things to go wrong, and was not disappointed in that regard. You’ve heard the song Love is a Battlefield, my marriage was not only a battlefield, but a mine field. I was tempted several times but never gave into the temptation to step out on my wife. At the end she would say anything to hurt me, including threatening to have sex with someone else. The hurtful shit was demoralizing to say the least. I now enjoy the speed seduction life, and do not regret finding it. I am healed now, and do not forsee a time in the near future when I could return to a monogamous lifestyle.
Ross this is really important topic, thank you for bringing it up. Although most guys are lost in pick lines yet!
Recently I was talking to a well-known PUA and he said “Insecure women are the most loyal ones”.
Although that totally matches with my experience with my women, but I’m curios to find out if there are mature women out there who would still keep the commitment if the guy stops presenting value for a few days…. and we know all men do from time to time…
If someone find the right person love is forever:) it needs just lot of work and fun from both partners:) If doesnt work from the first time search again:) Thank you Ross for all your knowledge that you share to make people smarter and happier:)
I’m a married man, I’m 36, and I completely agree with KK and Claire !!!! My wife “started” first to see someone else. I was completely devastated. It took me 3 years to pass through and start living again. I did not divorce, and I do not regrete it. Today, I had myself a “second” affair, I had a lot lot lot of fun with her.
This is how it goes. Human is not programmed to be monogam, and society is counter-human nature. Tolerance is the key.
Note: sorry for my english – I’m French
Pardon me for leaving emotional arguments aside, but sexologists know, as stated in “Sperm Wars” by Robin Baker, that around 8% of humanity is fathered/sired by a man other than the one regarded as the child’s father. The official “father” may know but you shouldn’t bet on it.
Only 1% of a man’s sperm are the elite egg getters. The rest of the Millions of sperm are entirely for blocking or destroying another man’s sperm, or rather his opposing sperm army. This is the case with every human male alive on the planet today. Let that sink in. Personally, when I did it blew my mind.
Why would such an extremely developed trait exist if it didn’t confer a (genetic) survival advantage? Our bodies, both men’s and women’s, go around shopping for the mate with the best genes they can get while our minds think they’re calling all the shots. Why is it peopel say they want one thing in a mate but respond to something else?.
When the reptile brain sees a chance to better the odds of sending the genes into the future with better prospects, things “just happen”. There are risks involved but that’s all part of the UNCONSCIOUS calculation.I’m not going to argue Right or Wrong, just lay out the proven scientific facts and let the hysterical screaming begin.
Wow, that’s a nice piece of advice!
@Sgt Paul 168
I really like the [scientific/evolutionary/game theory] perspective for making sense of the world. Much more effective than most of the models impressed on us at the age when it’s easiest to learn, especially for those of us subjected to an isolated religious education.
For change-work, I think their effectiveness varies. Understanding is one thing, maybe it removes a barrier to change, but to actually make changes requires working with the deeper levels of the mind and body. That’s were Ross’ more recent work is so genius.
@Zara
Lots of problems with evolutionary psychology. It is very circular and there are no experiments you can do that would falsify it, since the proponents explain it all away with, “it has to be true since it has to have survival/replication value”.
And as you point out, it’s quite useless for change-work.
RJ
Hey Ross
I’m dating a woman who I like alot, but I’m concerned about her past, mainly cheating on a couple of exes (and they never found out). I mean past behaviour = present / future behaviour right? Unless something changes in them.