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    Rheo July 22, 2011, 11:20 pm

    Dear Ross,
    I dated this girl for about two months. She was a tourist and then went back to her native country. While she was here she talked about living together next year, children, marriage etc. This stuff got me and I let my guard dowwn. Began to feel that I have to be faithful to her because she seemed like a honest feminine woman. But yet she was confusing. On the one hand while she talked about a life together, she once even told me not to have any expectations and I shouldn’t get attached. So I asked her point blank if she wants me to forget her and she was like, “How can you forget me? I’ll miss you.” I felt confused and didn’t know whether to commit to her or just set her free without expectations. She went back to her country. We kept in touch but I could feel my anxiety. I did miss her. The power I had in my communication when she was physically present before me, was just not happening in long distance. And when she didn’t respond to my email for 10 days I just lost it and broke up with her. It put a tremendous strain on me to walk away like that but I thought I was doing the right thing. But I gave in after 10 days and told her I wanted her back and that I acted in a haste. She wouldn’t respond back. Anyway how can a man walk away from a woman in a calm way without neing negative? When I did that with her previously she said I was reactive and that it put a lot of stress and pressure on her and felt that I could love her or leave her anytime. And ist not healthy to make your woman feel so unsafe in a relationship is it?

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    Rheo July 23, 2011, 12:04 am

    Also I started doing the detangling exercises yesterday. Did it again for a couple of hours today and I feel a lot better. I now understand how 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 become 40 from 10000!

    Did Right: Conversation natural and easy, paid attention to responses, advanced physically (fisrt time) at the right time (I could sense her energy), asker her for her contact when it felt natural, right vibe for the most part, experiencing anxiety/sadness around her without buying into it (This inadvertently made me cry silently but I was determined only to go withing experince the grief, she wiped my tears, told me later on that it was not sexy but even she she initiated the make out that followed, when that actually was the last thing on my mind coz I was so focused on experiencing my grief. Is that stealth charisma or what?!)

    Subtract: Attaching too much importance as the days passed, Needing her so much, not walking away with confidence, Chasing.

    Add: Take time out for hobbies while in a relationship, Do the inner game exercises when I’m in relationship, Do the unstoppable confidence affirmations every day even when things are going great, Pay attention to work, friends etc.

    Do more of: Give her independence to do anything and stay focused on my other priorities (instead of her) when we aren’t physically present with each other.

    Do less of: Acceptance of the fact that a long distance relationship is not the same as face to face and when she doesnt return my emails/calls promptly it doesn’t mean that I’m doing something wrong.

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