Dear Seeker of Success,
One of my students wrote to me about a sticking point he has with women.
Seems when he is challenged by a woman, his brain will “freeze up” so he can’t think about what is being said at that moment and challenge what is being said to him, even if it’s total bullshit.
In the moment he’ll meekly agree with whatever she’s saying; but hours or days later he’ll find himself in conversation with himself using statements like “Wow, she was totally contradicting herself”, “Why didn’t I call her on her bullshit?” Or “Damn, I should have said ABC and XYZ. Why didn’t I think of that at the time?”
Nothing new under the sun here.
There IS A Solution – A Simple Answer,
And A More Complex One
Simple answer: PRACTICE grounding into your feet. From time to time, practice bending your knees very slightly, exhaling and feeling your feet pressing on the ground. Then straighten up and inhale feeling your feet pressing on the ground.
More complex: for this I give credit to a friend whom I consider among the best NLP teachers and practitioners I know – Jorgen Rassmussen who lives in Norway.
One day, he was telling me about his martial arts training and how he teaches people to survive an actual violent encounter.
What he explained is that people need to learn to fight from the natural, hard-wired body responses to a surprise attack.
There are only 3:
- When you put your hands up out in front of you to stop a blow.
- When you cover your head with your hands to protect it from being pummeled.
- When you curl into a ball to protect yourself when you are on the ground being attacked.
Attempts to fight from stances OTHER THAN THESE, such as fancy martial arts stances, usually won’t work in a real attack.
Because in a real attack, THE BODY DOESN’T GO INTO MARTIAL ARTS STANCES.
So for you, learn to examine, thoroughly, your “hard wired” first responses.
Observe them without fighting them or feeding them, observing the raw emotion/physical sensations.
Get familiar and clear with these and rehearse CHANGING your responses FROM there.
Peace,
RJ
P.S. Inside our Magick and Remote Influence program, discover exercises that make you able to radically influence circumstances to come out your way, so you win on both ends of the spectrum: satisfied when things don’t go your way and fulfilled and happier when they do.
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If a woman (or anyone for that matter) is going for the argument, i generally just leave them to it, but occasionally i practice and just drop state and go at the breaks in logic, but not if it gets silly.
little tyrants aren’t worth getting into it with.
Dear Uncle Artist Ross…nice. You know I’ve had thousands of gloves-on matches and maybe a hundred on the street or parking lot…still alive, most of my teeth, etc. And a few hundred women for various periods of time, some quite long! seven years for one…congratulations accepted. Still out sargin’ and sniffing…
Yup…nobody can get to a guy like a woman he cares about. The “grounding” you teach, Ross, and knowing how to cover up…plus personal frame control, if that’s the right phrase…all help immensely. These guys you work with are far luckier than old roues of sunshine like you or me…adrift in a world of women we hadn’t made…thank God for a real bringer of light, Ross, good old exemplary Guru of Gunch and Good Times
in the Gulch, you took your insights and shared, learned and taught, the greatest true human action. “And gladly would he learn and gladly teach…” Cool. You really applied yourself. Thanks for the rope you threw when I was stuck down there, thanks for the slack,too.
If I had known one-tenth of what you teach them, Ross, the lucky rascals…!
I might have stretched almost any of the legal relationships…or maybe, all of them! into life-long good times. Busy, but good. But the times of”losing it” under a woman’s scorn started early-on…mostly pre-Ross. The last twenty years of martial arts teaching and thumping coincided with your wisdom and some great moments in my life. Your methods for personal daily inner practices…the essence of philosophy as even Ben Franklin knew and practiced, so help me, you are at THAT level…and America and everywhere your message gets to is and will be better…practice, ground, be aware, and confrontations with bad guys and assholes and women who are closest and most dangerous will become ONLY important… and easy! those interactions and our reactions…it’s a difficult place in our human experience to explore, claim, and own…and most rewarding. A MAN can do that, and guys, on your way to more manhood you have a great guide, the Ross formerly known as Jefferies who artfully blazed a glorious down and dirty but clear path of sweetest knowledge…! key: stay in yourself…too.
Drop a line ‘way down there, link up, feel your living connection and practice alertly what Ross teaches, you’ll be so much better off, and so will the many, many women in your lives. And your buds too. Live YOUR truths.
And nothing like also having the thirty-seventh strategy…finding somebody more fun to play with. Jeez, by now you all know how to do that…hey, mighty Ross! blessings on thy frosty pow! Leslie
YES!
The second one is EXACTLY what i noticed in myself. Wow, your wording is even better, i wrote a small journal entry about this and its true. It does not matter how you want to be if who you are is disconnected from it. Connect it by taking the very you, you didnt like, and realizing the path stems directly from here.
Gosh, do you mind if i copy paste this next to my journal entry, your wording and metaphor is very simple and easy to understand.
Not sure how to handle a drama queen except to be quiet and clear the area as safely as possible. As for the martial arts stances I think it is correct to say they’re not applicable to real street situations. I practice Kung Foo San Soo; our stance is just a normal stance as if waiting in a check-out line with our open hands up like saying, “hold on, relax, or calm down.” That way we have options when the opponent gets physical. Instead of stepping back like Karate or Tae kwon Do we step in and to the outside while simutaneously striking. Bullies expect people to step back or cover up, we use the element of surprise when we step in and invade the attacker’s space. For real street self defense check out Kung Fu San Soo, I have practiced other arts and I know that San Soo is the best most applicable to street fighting. I also recommend the book, “Sudden Violence” because it clearly explains San Soo principles.
Piece
Interesting! I expected something about being to complying and being tested and how to be more attractive by being authentic on a behavioural level.
Instead its about opening your Intuition, I guess.
Propably everything flows from there, even if you don´t understand the situation conceptually if you just learn to rely on it.
Although, I don´t know if the martial arts metaphore holds up. Over the years I had a couple of accidents where I could avoid a lot of injury just because I trained falling the right way for many years in my younger days (Judo). I wired it into my brain, I made deep trance conscious split second decicions that were not reflexes but programs, the use of neural pathways that I built and that were very useful.
First of all Paul, thanks for a kick-ass seminar in London. Moves me up the leaning curve on so many levels. I remember this one from the seminar. Fighting from the flinch and getting out of it. Preparing for just that. I took a note that said: “What is my flinch?” You moved on to other stuff so I did not find myself having time to reflect more on that by the time.
I encountered it the same night. With poor preparation me and some other guys took to Leicester square. Well you told us not to go out sarging the first night and I listened to that but I like to make my own decisions.
So we ended up in this pattern that I practised and almost mastered eons ago:
1. Looking for a good place to go, noone really taking the lead. Is that good? Do we go to the other place? etc.
2. When we enter a place thefirst thing we do is go to the bar and get a beer. With a beer in your hand you are safe hey? Safe from what?
3. We look for, and get a table to sit at. And this is how many nights end. You sit at your table with your friends and other people are sitting att their table with their friends. Sucks ass.
The other guys were eventually going up to another table and later approached women on the street (we could have stayed on the street in the first place. Me I grew more insecure and had a reasonably good time with the guys but not doing much of anything to get interactions with women going. Got into a “flinch” and didn´t get out of it.
The next day there was a number of speed seducers going out and we got into this bar. Some of them definately more experienced than a newcomer like me. It was early, not much action yet. So the guys are basically grabbing a beer each and are starting to talk to each other. Instead of falling into my old pattern I took action this time. Noticed the “flinch” coming, not buying into it and dropped it. There was really only one group of women, four beatiful California girls having dinner and they seemed to have a good time.
I walked up to their table saying: “Hi! Me and my friends were talking about different cultures. Like me, I´m from Sweden. Have you ever been out drinking in Sweden? Usually it´s like this: You and your friends are at your table talking to each other and the other grops sit at their tables and talk to their friends. And they don´t meet and talk to each other. (At this time I point to myself and to them.) So I thought why don´t I come over and talk to you.”
The rest of the evening I spent nudging myself out of the comfort zone to have a really good time. Including being active in deciding where we go and what decisions my group took. And there is so much to work on and I am looking forward to working with it. Thank you for some great teaching that really gets me going in the right direction Paul!
Dear Ross, I really think I have some experience with this by now! After surviving a bitter defeat at the hands of my ex girlfriend who I’d not called on for BS consistently it felt so bad that I made a vow to myself I will never be in this situation again where a woman can treat me disrespectfully and get away with it. And somehow out of the 4 vibes I keep thinking about the 4th (Speaking my trruth) a LOT! And applying that to any kind of less than kind and loving behavious from her part I usually sail through her tests even to the point of walking away and then being emailed a month later saying they are sorry and they want me back in their life. One chick even said I love you even more after I “spoke my truth” about her BS! Now I just say “You’re being rude” as soon as they start doing and then they stop doing it! Genius Ross, the 4th vibe is!
That reminds me of a couple things.
Years ago a girl at work snapped at me for horsing around when I wasn’t. She was like, “what do you think you’re doing!” I took a deep breath as I allowed my initial emotional response to pass through and then gently explained what I had done. She apologised profusely.
More recently I’ve has flashes of something like panic / angiety / anger all mixed together, mostly around women, but others too. What I finally stumbled across was basically assuming it was an “energetic attack” (whatever the fuck that means) and by inhaling the energy through my nose as one color and exhaling it through pursed lips as another it went away. I first discovered it working out, where the exhale wasn’t out of place, but found it is just as effective imagining that part while exhaling whatever way is appropriate for the situation.
This is a challenge for me too. I can absolutely relate to it. And I handle this by the NYIG method first. And later on launching a ‘counter attack’ to a ‘surprise attack’. It has worked fine because I don’t feel like I have to have a ninja comeback right at that very moment because I know it’s important to’ speak up’. Even if you do it later.And when I talk about it, I just say, “You know I’ve been thinking about what you said about XYZ and I think……..(my changed response which basically seeks a clarification)